Friday, July 29, 2005
Cracks
It looked dark outside, but I wasn’t going to check to be sure. I’d been sitting in my chair for most of the day and didn’t want to get up. Take it on faith it was dark outside and my curtains had held back the sunlight for another day, I thought. The dog was on the floor beside the chair, sighing loudly and often as she waited for a command, a sign, or something that meant she was getting out of the house, if only for a little while. She’d grown accustomed to the disappointment and lay motionless.
I was reaching for the unopened bottled of Glenfiddich when the buzz of the intercom sounded. Somebody was back to bother me.
I pressed the button. “Yeah.”
“Let me in, it’s Michelle.”
I was too tired and too drained to fight her off so I buzzed her in. She set her purse down and went into the kitchen.
“Are you hungry? Is there something you want me to…aw Jesus!” she exclaimed. “You didn’t even clean the stuff I left for you last time I was here!” She opened the dishwasher. “And you didn’t empty the last load I washed.” She let out a groan.
“You my mother?” I asked.
“No, but you could show me a little respect and actually fucking listen when I ask you to do something, you know?”
She came around to the living room and looked at the new collection of empty bottles collecting on a table in the corner. “Where in the hell do you get all this booze? And drink it?” She picked up a bottle and sniffed it. “You should be legally dead by now. How long has this been here?”
I shrugged. She let out another groan of frustration. Sophia came alive as Michelle approached, her tail bobbing and whacking the floor with a “thump thump thump” sound. Michelle knelt down and pet the dog for a while. Sophia gave her a lick on the hand in appreciation.
“Put the dog in the bedroom,” I told Michelle. “And close the door,” I added while she was there. Michelle returned and I heard a whimper from Sophia as the room was sealed off.
Just as Michelle was about to lecture me about who knows what, my cell phone rang. I debated answering it but when I saw the call ID I knew she’d just call back if I ignored it. I tapped the answer button.
“Reed, I’m here! Give me directions from the airport.”
I handed the phone to Michelle. “Give her directions from the airport.”
“Who’s this?” she asked, nodding her head towards the phone.
“Your backup.”
____________________________________________________________________________________
The two sized each other up at the door. I didn’t care. I wasn’t even watching them. Between the terse pauses and carefully-chosen words, I could tell they were three misconstrued words or three subtle girl-insults away from a catfight. Both wanted the role of nurturing rescuer.
“I’m Carolyn…you are?”
“Michelle. Friend from back in college. Reed has probably mentioned me before.”
“Nope, never came up.”
Michelle paused. “Hmm. Likewise.”
“He asked me to come,” Carolyn added.
“Really? He hasn’t asked anybody for anything as I recall. That’s been part of the problem.” I remained silent.
“Well, it’s more like I politely persuaded him,” Carolyn replied. Looking to shift the focus back on me, she asked, “What’s he been doing lately? Or not doing?”
Michelle crossed her arms and walked into the living room to address me. “Just how many nurses do you need?”
I put my palm of my hands over my eyes and ran them slowly towards the back of my head. “I don’t need any! Can’t you get it through your heads? Go, don’t stay around on my account!” I pointed towards the door. “Clear enough for you? Am I sending mixed messages?” I took a gulp of scotch and went back to staring at a blank spot across the wall from me.
“Well he’s all yours!” exclaimed Michelle. “I’m smart enough to know when I’m not needed.” She shoved a dish towel into Carolyn’s hand. “Have fun, he’s been such a ball of joy lately!”
She picked up her purse and as she made for the door, added “I hope you aren’t turning into somebody else, Reed. I’d hate to think this is the new you.” She walked out and Carolyn softly closed the door behind her before returning to me, smiling.
“Your friend…Michelle – she means well. She’s frustrated is all.”
From down the hall Sophia was alternating between panting and whining. She was eager to get out and investigate the action. She still had a house to guard, after all.
“That your dog?” Carolyn asked, motioning towards the hallway. “I should probably let her out.”
At first I ignored the comment completely, but then in some dark corner of my head, one of the few gears still working slowly began to turn. The dog won’t take lightly to a stranger on her turf.
“Carolyn, don’t let her out,” I said aloud, still seated. It was too late. As soon as the door was opened, Sophia sprung free and began growling and barking, at Carolyn, her fangs bared. I stood up and still in my zombied state, slowly made my way down the hall. Upon seeing me matters got worse; as far as Sophia was concerned, this stranger was now close to me, threatening the alpha. Sophia stuck out the end of her tongue through clenched teeth, her short hair standing and forming a small mohawk along her back.
Carolyn stayed calm the whole time. If she was afraid she had a good way of not letting it show. “I’m guessing from your blog this must be Sophia, or ‘the ugly dog.’”
“Carolyn, stay calm. Don’t move,” I urged. Sophia barked in protest to hearing Carolyn say her name, as if to utter ‘you don’t know me, you have no right to use my name.’
“Sophia! Heel!” I said. I repeated it. The dog wasn’t listening.
“It’s okay,” said Carolyn. She balled her hand into a fist and presented it to the dog palm side up, her hand tilted downward at the wrist. At first Sophia didn’t know what to make of it – she continued her low, gravelly growl with teeth bared – but then, smelling the hand, she slowly let down her guard, approached the hand, and sniffed it. Soon I saw her tail bob.
“Sophia!” I said again. The dog looked at me and tried to give me the sad eyes look of having made a mistake, but I kept my eyes locked on hers with a stern look on my face.
Carolyn stood up and Sophia jumped back, on guard. More growling.
I walked over to the ugly dog. “All right, enough of this shit!” I grabbed her by the collar and pulled the dog into the living room. She yelped as her legs slid along the floor. When we reached the living room I grabbed a tether and shackled Sophia to the corner of the entertainment armoire.
“Calm the fuck down!” I told her. Sophia alternated between looking tough and wagging her tail.
I sat back down in my chair and resumed swigging my drink. Carolyn kneeled to the side of me and softly kissed my forehead.
“I’m glad to see you too. Don’t you want to know how my flight was?”
“I’ve had enough action for one day.” I shook my fist at Sophia, as she lay on the floor looking totally defeated.
“Your dog is meaner than you describe her in your blogs.”
“You said you don’t read them,” I answered.
“No, I read them until I started making an appearance. Then I had to stop because it felt too weird. I mean, why do you even write it, why do you open yourself up like that?”
I shrugged.
“There has to be a reason,” she said.
“It’s my form of therapy. Better than shelling out thousands of dollars so a shrink can listen to you tell your story. I don’t have to pay for an audience. Besides, if I can see it on paper I can see where I’ve gone wrong in my life. I can map it out.”
“Most of us can tell where we’ve gone wrong without writing it down.”
“Yeah? Well I can’t,” I replied. “Did you come here to find out how I know when I’ve fucked up, because if so then here’s your answer: I blog it.”
Carolyn sat on the arm of the chair and took her hand in mine. “No, no, that’s not why. I’m worried about you. Look at you, look at this place – it’s all in ruin. You look horrible. You’ve lost some weight, I can tell from your face. You haven’t been eating. It looks like you haven’t been sleeping either. Your kitchen counters are covered with empty beer and alcohol bottles, and your dog has been neglected. This isn’t normal. And I’m worried.”
I didn’t answer. I continued looking at the spot on the wall.
“I know you need your time, but please, there are healthier ways to grieve.”
I took another gulp of scotch. Reaching for the bottle, I refilled.
Carolyn stopped me in mid pour, forcing the bottle back to the table. “Look at me Reed. Look at me. Please.”
My eyes wandered over to hers only for an instant, but it was long enough to see the fear in her eyes. I remained silent.
“Don’t do this Reed. Don’t shut me out. This isn’t you, this isn’t the man I fell for in that small Italian restaurant in Toronto.”
“The man in Toronto isn’t here. The man in Toronto was living somebody else’s life. He was living and acting how he was expected to act.”
Carolyn backed away from me. “What’s that supposed to mean?” she asked.
I leaned forward and resumed pouring my drink. “It means that my entire life was spent acting how others expected me to act. I was brought up to be somebody else. I never was I asked how I wanted to do things, how I wanted to run my life. I can’t do it. This isn’t who I am.”
“And who are you?”
I shrugged. “I’ve gone so long trying to be who they wanted me to be that I don’t know the real me. So whomever you’ve grown closer to these past months isn’t me.”
Carolyn patted me on the arm, then stood up and went into the kitchen. “That’s the fatigue talking. You’ll make more sense when you’ve had rest.” I began hearing the clang of plates and glass.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“I’m cleaning up. Somebody has to do it. Then I’ll run the shower for you, because you’ve smelled better, frankly. And it will do you some good. And then you’ll get yourself a good night’s sleep. In the morning breakfast will be waiting.”
She walked back to me and ran her hand along the side of me face. “Wow, that’s a lot of white hair you have in your beard stubble.”
“It never even had a gray phase, just straight to white,” I replied. I reached for the glass of scotch but Carolyn blocked my hand.
“Well I think it makes you look distinguisted.
I grunted. “Distinguished is another way of saying ‘old’. You know that, right?”
She shrugged. “Whatever. You can shave it off when you’re in the shower if it makes you feel old. Just soak in the shower and try not to think about anything. And if you can’t sleep I’ll run down to the store and get you some sleeping pills.”
“What about you?”
“I’ve got enough to keep me busy.” She walked over to where Sophia was still incapacitated, and knelt down to her level. The dog tried to sit up and when she did, Carolyn made the same fist and thrust it in Sophia’s muzzle to smell. After a few moments of sniffing, Sophia’s tail curled up in its familiar curly-queue shape and wagged.
“Don’t worry,” replied Carolyn, “us girls will be just fine.”
____________________________________________________________________________________
I awoke the next morning and made my way into the living room. Carolyn was lying on the couch reading a book, and Sophia was spread out on the floor chewing apart one of her toys. As I entered the room the dog jumped to her feet and came over, her tail swishing to and fro.
“How did you sleep?” Carolyn asked as she put down her book.
“Like a log. I didn’t wake up once.” I looked at the view from the opened patio door and saw it was dark outside. “Wait a minute, how long have I been asleep?”
“Just under 24 hours. I told you it was needed. Your body agreed. Sophia and I have been having a grand old time, right girl?” The dog bounded over and Carolyn scratched her neck.
“And how have you managed to get the dog to like you?” I asked. “Sophia doesn’t like anybody. Yesterday the dog wanted to kill you, now she’s your best friend.”
Carolyn smiled. “You don’t last as a nature photographer without learning how to take care of yourself in the wild. I know how to handle some animals.”
I sat down in my chair and began pouring myself a scotch.
“Why don’t you lay off that. Just for tonight, okay?”
I frowned.
“The booze is part of the reason you’ve been a zombie. Let your body get back in its routine.”
I put the bottle down. “Fine, we’ll try it your way.”
“I’m sorry I don’t have anything ready for you to eat. You don’t have anything in the cupboards and I haven’t gone shopping. We’ll have to go and get something.”
“That’s all right, I’m not hungry.”
“No, you need to eat. You haven’t been eating, and you are dehydrated. Look.” She grabbed some skin on the back of my hand and pinched, letting the skin go.
“See how it doesn’t snap back? You don’t have enough water in your system. And when you are dehydrated you don’t want to eat. It’s a vicious cycle. We need to get you something simple, like soup.”
“Why do you give a fuck?” I asked.
“I’m hurt you even have to ask,” she responded. “I’ve invested too much time in you. I care about you. I’m falling in love with you.” She came over to my chair and sat down in my lap, wrapping her arms around my neck. “Is that so bad,” she asked, “that a girl can fall for a suave, good looking man?”
“Whatever you think I am, I’m not,” I replied.
“I don’t understand the hesitation and self-doubt, Reed. What is going on? This goes beyond dealing with a death in the family.”
“It’s nothing.” I replied.
“Oh no, I didn’t spend five hours on a plane to be told to my face to forget it. Spill it, mister.”
“How much have you read of the blogs?”
“I stopped reading after we met on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t want to know how you portrayed me and our time together. I’ve wanted to read it, but I’ve forced myself to stay away. I know points of view can be different, but I didn’t want to read something I didn’t agree with.”
I lifted her off my lap and stood up. I paced back and forth along the length of the couch, Carolyn and Sophia both intently watching me.
“Well, what?” Carolyn again asked.
“Before my father died, he told me that he put a clause in his will regarding how he’d be…uh…disposed of.”
“Disposed of?”
“Cremated ashes. Half reside here in a memorial at Forest Lawn. It’s the other half that’s the issue.”
“And the issue is…?”
“He wants me to take his ashes to Scotland, to a town his family came from and where some of them still live.” I stared breathing heavy. It was becoming more and more difficult to get the words out. “He wants me to transport his ashes to Scotland where they will rest in a Becker family memorial outside the city of Monifieth. I’m the one who has to do it.”
“That’s wonderful! He must have really felt a close bond with you to entrust you with this request.”
“It’s not! It’s no such thing! I am dreading having to go there. I can’t do it.”
“Sure you can. You’re just nervous,” she replied.
I shook my head. “No, that’s not it. I don’t think I can do it. I’m not strong enough. Whatever my father thought of me, no matter how tough he might have thought I was, I’m not. I don’t have the will or strength to do this. I can’t do it.”
She stood and hugged me. “Yes you do. Whatever self-doubt you have, I know you can do this. I’ve seen you – you have this natural charisma that people gravitate towards – and your father knew this too, I’m sure that’s why he asked this of you.”
I buried my head in her shoulder and shook my head.
“You can do it. I believe in you,” she said. “I’m certain it will help you come to terms with the events. But you have to want it to happen. And you have to let the people who want to help along the way be allowed to do so. Your father knew what he was doing, otherwise you wouldn’t be going.”
“I can’t do it. I can’t carry this out myself. I’ve avoided my family since the funeral because I’m afraid all they’ll say is that I’m running out on them, that I’m leaving when my mother needs looking after. I’m splitting apart the very thing my father meant to honor. Whatever kind of person he knew me to be, I’m not. I’m failing, Carolyn.”
She calmed me down. “Shhh, small steps. First we get you ready to face the world, then we conquer it. Let’s get you something to eat, and then some more rest. Monday we’ll reintroduce you to the outside world, maybe do a little grocery shopping so you have something to eat.” She looked at Sophia. “Maybe something special for your dog, she’s stood by you these past few weeks.” She turned back to me, smiling. “And then we’ll go from there. No assumptions, no expectations.”
___________________________________________________________________________________
The next day Carolyn prodded me into calling my mother to check in on her. I felt bad. I felt I had abandoned her. She didn’t disagree. She asked me to come over. I couldn’t refuse.
I took the dog with me, she never failed to cheer up my mother.
“Mind if I log on to your computer and do some web surfing while you are out?” Carolyn asked. It didn’t mind.
My mother was happier to see the dog than me. The dog wasn’t there this time just for cheering her up. On the way over I had decided it was time my mother got a roommate.
“If I’m going to Monifieth then somebody needs to look after the dog,” I said. “I wouldn’t ask, being that you just finished watching her for almost five months, but I read that the elderly and uh…widows…respond well to the company of a pet. And Sophia loves you. So…if you are up to it…”
My mother smiled, wrinkles appearing around the edges. It was the first smile I’d seen from her since before we brought my father home from the hospital. It was a fragile smile.
“Of course I will take Sophia.” She wiped away a tear as it slid down her cheek. “When are you going?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know. I still have to look at flights, and I don’t know who to talk to in Monifieth. I have no idea who to contact about putting Dad’s remains in the city memorial. There are so many details.”
She nodded. “Better talk to your uncle. He’ll have names and numbers, I’m sure.” We made small talk about little things, and then I excused myself. It was time to put the events into motion and do what had to be done. I’d run from it long enough.
“Reed darling, take as long as you need. Don’t feel the urge to rush in and out of Scotland. Take your time, your father would have wanted that. He would have wanted you to make your peace with him and learn about his family and their land.”
I hugged my mother. She saw me out to the car. “I hope you can find your smile along the way,” she said. “Don’t forget about it. It is a very powerful thing. This trip will be more a personal journey for you more than carrying out your father’s request. Don’t lose track of that.”
__________________________________________________________________________________
The dream was vivid. I stood before a plot, the urn containing my father’s ashes in my hands. A clergyman read from the bible as a few faces, none of whom I’d ever previously seen, looked on, some crying, others bowing their heads in prayer. When the clergyman had finished he pointed at the plot, a sign I thought to distribute the ashes. Two men grabbed me from behind and threw me into the plot along with the urn as the group watched. I reached out for help but nobody came forward. As the men began shoveling dirt onto me I shot out of bed, my forehead beaded with sweat.
“Holy shit!” I yelled. I was out of breath.
“What? What is it?” Carolyn asked. She sat up to look at me. “You’re forehead is on fire. Bad dream?”
“I was being buried alive with my father,” I said. “I don’t know what to do any longer, I can’t run from it, and I can’t embrace it. I’m screwed either way.”
Carolyn went to the bathroom and returned with a cool cloth. She tried comforting me as she applied the cloth. “Nobody can be a superhero when it comes to this. The mind sorts things out in its own fashion. All you can do is deal with the bumps along the way.”
“My mind is telling me I can’t do this, that I’m going to screw things up if I go to Scotland. It’s telling me this is a disaster in waiting.”
“No, your mind is trying to sort out what it can make sense of. Everything else it fills in the holes, until you can make sense of it yourself when the time comes.” She leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek. “Nobody said it was easy.” She took the cloth back to the bathroom.
I laid back down and she curled up beside me. “I still don’t understand why you are doing all of this for me, why you haven’t hopped back on a plane and gone home.”
She wrapped her arms around me tightly. “Because a father once told his son that we have to be strong for the people who can’t be strong themselves.”
I sat back up and looked at her, startled. She smiled at me weakly, the kind of smile a person gives you when they are trying to be empathetic.
“How did you know about what he said?” I asked, knowing she had read the blogs.
“I caved in. I’m sorry. I read through your blog while you were with your mother. I wanted to see what you had written, even it was something I didn’t agree with. Your father was right, and you should let those of us who want to help you help. Not everybody has the luxury of a shoulder to lean on. And you don’t have to go through this hell alone. It breaks my heart to see you like this. That’s why I’m here.”
She curled up beside me as I stretched back out on the bed. In time I began to feel sleepy, the effect of weeks of little or no sleep. My body had enough of trying to fight it. The last thing I remember hearing Carolyn say as I drifted off was “if only for a few nights, if only for a limited time, let me be your guardian angel.”
__________________________________________________________________________________
“I was thinking about what you said last night about having a shoulder to lean on,” I said as I sipped my coffee the next morning. The crowd at Daily Grind was busier than normal.
“Uh huh,” Carolyn replied in a husky voice.
“I’ve resigned myself to doing it, to going to Scotland. It would be more cowardly and disappointing if I didn’t honor my father’s wishes, even if I am uneasy about it.”
Carolyn nodded in agreement. “It’s good you think so.” She looked at me and saw that I was staring at the placemat and fidgeting a little. “What, what is it?” she asked.
“I can’t do it alone, Carolyn. I can’t go by myself.” I lifted my head and met her gaze. “Will you go with me?”
She stayed silent for a beat. “Oh, wow…this is unexpected,” she said. She started twirling the end of her hair. I’d seen her do it once before when she was nervous. “I don’t know, I have school and work and…” she trailed off.
“When does school start?” I asked.
“Last week of August.”
“And how about work?” She was a freelancer and took the jobs as they came up. There was no set schedule.
“I haven’t taken anything yet.” Oh, except for that thing at Air Canada Centre, but that’s not until the first week of September. But I don’t know, that’s a lot of potential work to give up.” She paused and I could see the wheels spinning. “How long would it be for?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know, as long as it takes. If it’s a question of money for a ticket, I’ll pay for it.”
“That’s sweet of you to offer, but that’s not what I’m thinking about, it’s paying rent and paying for my last year of school and all the other bills in the coming months. When I left I figured I’d be here a few days, maybe as many as ten.”
“And then you’re as good as gone,” I replied in a somber tone. “I’m not going back to Toronto. You’re going to have your life there while mine will consist of looking after my mother here. I don’t know what happens after now.” I sighed. “That’s the problem, I don’t have the faintest idea what happens after now.”
Carolyn reached across the table and took my hand in hers as she continued to think. I tried not to pressure her by staring her down so I turned my focus towards my half-finished coffee.
“Well hell,” she finally said. “I talk about being there for you and wanting to help you, and then I up and go at your first sign of progress? That’s not right. Of course I’ll go. I’ll be there for you, right behind you all the way and ready to catch you.”
I shook my head. “I’m no leader, and I haven’t the faintest idea what we’re going to do once we get there. Don’t walk behind me, walk beside me. I need somebody to be my partner in this.”
She smiled. “That’s so sweet.”
“I’m serious. There are arrangements to be made, and I don’t have the faintest idea how to carry them out or who to talk to. I’m going to need help.”
“I’m going to need to go back to Toronto first,” said Carolyn. “I need more than five day’s worth of clothing.”
“Okay. First Toronto, then Glasgow.”
I was reaching for the unopened bottled of Glenfiddich when the buzz of the intercom sounded. Somebody was back to bother me.
I pressed the button. “Yeah.”
“Let me in, it’s Michelle.”
I was too tired and too drained to fight her off so I buzzed her in. She set her purse down and went into the kitchen.
“Are you hungry? Is there something you want me to…aw Jesus!” she exclaimed. “You didn’t even clean the stuff I left for you last time I was here!” She opened the dishwasher. “And you didn’t empty the last load I washed.” She let out a groan.
“You my mother?” I asked.
“No, but you could show me a little respect and actually fucking listen when I ask you to do something, you know?”
She came around to the living room and looked at the new collection of empty bottles collecting on a table in the corner. “Where in the hell do you get all this booze? And drink it?” She picked up a bottle and sniffed it. “You should be legally dead by now. How long has this been here?”
I shrugged. She let out another groan of frustration. Sophia came alive as Michelle approached, her tail bobbing and whacking the floor with a “thump thump thump” sound. Michelle knelt down and pet the dog for a while. Sophia gave her a lick on the hand in appreciation.
“Put the dog in the bedroom,” I told Michelle. “And close the door,” I added while she was there. Michelle returned and I heard a whimper from Sophia as the room was sealed off.
Just as Michelle was about to lecture me about who knows what, my cell phone rang. I debated answering it but when I saw the call ID I knew she’d just call back if I ignored it. I tapped the answer button.
“Reed, I’m here! Give me directions from the airport.”
I handed the phone to Michelle. “Give her directions from the airport.”
“Who’s this?” she asked, nodding her head towards the phone.
“Your backup.”
____________________________________________________________________________________
The two sized each other up at the door. I didn’t care. I wasn’t even watching them. Between the terse pauses and carefully-chosen words, I could tell they were three misconstrued words or three subtle girl-insults away from a catfight. Both wanted the role of nurturing rescuer.
“I’m Carolyn…you are?”
“Michelle. Friend from back in college. Reed has probably mentioned me before.”
“Nope, never came up.”
Michelle paused. “Hmm. Likewise.”
“He asked me to come,” Carolyn added.
“Really? He hasn’t asked anybody for anything as I recall. That’s been part of the problem.” I remained silent.
“Well, it’s more like I politely persuaded him,” Carolyn replied. Looking to shift the focus back on me, she asked, “What’s he been doing lately? Or not doing?”
Michelle crossed her arms and walked into the living room to address me. “Just how many nurses do you need?”
I put my palm of my hands over my eyes and ran them slowly towards the back of my head. “I don’t need any! Can’t you get it through your heads? Go, don’t stay around on my account!” I pointed towards the door. “Clear enough for you? Am I sending mixed messages?” I took a gulp of scotch and went back to staring at a blank spot across the wall from me.
“Well he’s all yours!” exclaimed Michelle. “I’m smart enough to know when I’m not needed.” She shoved a dish towel into Carolyn’s hand. “Have fun, he’s been such a ball of joy lately!”
She picked up her purse and as she made for the door, added “I hope you aren’t turning into somebody else, Reed. I’d hate to think this is the new you.” She walked out and Carolyn softly closed the door behind her before returning to me, smiling.
“Your friend…Michelle – she means well. She’s frustrated is all.”
From down the hall Sophia was alternating between panting and whining. She was eager to get out and investigate the action. She still had a house to guard, after all.
“That your dog?” Carolyn asked, motioning towards the hallway. “I should probably let her out.”
At first I ignored the comment completely, but then in some dark corner of my head, one of the few gears still working slowly began to turn. The dog won’t take lightly to a stranger on her turf.
“Carolyn, don’t let her out,” I said aloud, still seated. It was too late. As soon as the door was opened, Sophia sprung free and began growling and barking, at Carolyn, her fangs bared. I stood up and still in my zombied state, slowly made my way down the hall. Upon seeing me matters got worse; as far as Sophia was concerned, this stranger was now close to me, threatening the alpha. Sophia stuck out the end of her tongue through clenched teeth, her short hair standing and forming a small mohawk along her back.
Carolyn stayed calm the whole time. If she was afraid she had a good way of not letting it show. “I’m guessing from your blog this must be Sophia, or ‘the ugly dog.’”
“Carolyn, stay calm. Don’t move,” I urged. Sophia barked in protest to hearing Carolyn say her name, as if to utter ‘you don’t know me, you have no right to use my name.’
“Sophia! Heel!” I said. I repeated it. The dog wasn’t listening.
“It’s okay,” said Carolyn. She balled her hand into a fist and presented it to the dog palm side up, her hand tilted downward at the wrist. At first Sophia didn’t know what to make of it – she continued her low, gravelly growl with teeth bared – but then, smelling the hand, she slowly let down her guard, approached the hand, and sniffed it. Soon I saw her tail bob.
“Sophia!” I said again. The dog looked at me and tried to give me the sad eyes look of having made a mistake, but I kept my eyes locked on hers with a stern look on my face.
Carolyn stood up and Sophia jumped back, on guard. More growling.
I walked over to the ugly dog. “All right, enough of this shit!” I grabbed her by the collar and pulled the dog into the living room. She yelped as her legs slid along the floor. When we reached the living room I grabbed a tether and shackled Sophia to the corner of the entertainment armoire.
“Calm the fuck down!” I told her. Sophia alternated between looking tough and wagging her tail.
I sat back down in my chair and resumed swigging my drink. Carolyn kneeled to the side of me and softly kissed my forehead.
“I’m glad to see you too. Don’t you want to know how my flight was?”
“I’ve had enough action for one day.” I shook my fist at Sophia, as she lay on the floor looking totally defeated.
“Your dog is meaner than you describe her in your blogs.”
“You said you don’t read them,” I answered.
“No, I read them until I started making an appearance. Then I had to stop because it felt too weird. I mean, why do you even write it, why do you open yourself up like that?”
I shrugged.
“There has to be a reason,” she said.
“It’s my form of therapy. Better than shelling out thousands of dollars so a shrink can listen to you tell your story. I don’t have to pay for an audience. Besides, if I can see it on paper I can see where I’ve gone wrong in my life. I can map it out.”
“Most of us can tell where we’ve gone wrong without writing it down.”
“Yeah? Well I can’t,” I replied. “Did you come here to find out how I know when I’ve fucked up, because if so then here’s your answer: I blog it.”
Carolyn sat on the arm of the chair and took her hand in mine. “No, no, that’s not why. I’m worried about you. Look at you, look at this place – it’s all in ruin. You look horrible. You’ve lost some weight, I can tell from your face. You haven’t been eating. It looks like you haven’t been sleeping either. Your kitchen counters are covered with empty beer and alcohol bottles, and your dog has been neglected. This isn’t normal. And I’m worried.”
I didn’t answer. I continued looking at the spot on the wall.
“I know you need your time, but please, there are healthier ways to grieve.”
I took another gulp of scotch. Reaching for the bottle, I refilled.
Carolyn stopped me in mid pour, forcing the bottle back to the table. “Look at me Reed. Look at me. Please.”
My eyes wandered over to hers only for an instant, but it was long enough to see the fear in her eyes. I remained silent.
“Don’t do this Reed. Don’t shut me out. This isn’t you, this isn’t the man I fell for in that small Italian restaurant in Toronto.”
“The man in Toronto isn’t here. The man in Toronto was living somebody else’s life. He was living and acting how he was expected to act.”
Carolyn backed away from me. “What’s that supposed to mean?” she asked.
I leaned forward and resumed pouring my drink. “It means that my entire life was spent acting how others expected me to act. I was brought up to be somebody else. I never was I asked how I wanted to do things, how I wanted to run my life. I can’t do it. This isn’t who I am.”
“And who are you?”
I shrugged. “I’ve gone so long trying to be who they wanted me to be that I don’t know the real me. So whomever you’ve grown closer to these past months isn’t me.”
Carolyn patted me on the arm, then stood up and went into the kitchen. “That’s the fatigue talking. You’ll make more sense when you’ve had rest.” I began hearing the clang of plates and glass.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“I’m cleaning up. Somebody has to do it. Then I’ll run the shower for you, because you’ve smelled better, frankly. And it will do you some good. And then you’ll get yourself a good night’s sleep. In the morning breakfast will be waiting.”
She walked back to me and ran her hand along the side of me face. “Wow, that’s a lot of white hair you have in your beard stubble.”
“It never even had a gray phase, just straight to white,” I replied. I reached for the glass of scotch but Carolyn blocked my hand.
“Well I think it makes you look distinguisted.
I grunted. “Distinguished is another way of saying ‘old’. You know that, right?”
She shrugged. “Whatever. You can shave it off when you’re in the shower if it makes you feel old. Just soak in the shower and try not to think about anything. And if you can’t sleep I’ll run down to the store and get you some sleeping pills.”
“What about you?”
“I’ve got enough to keep me busy.” She walked over to where Sophia was still incapacitated, and knelt down to her level. The dog tried to sit up and when she did, Carolyn made the same fist and thrust it in Sophia’s muzzle to smell. After a few moments of sniffing, Sophia’s tail curled up in its familiar curly-queue shape and wagged.
“Don’t worry,” replied Carolyn, “us girls will be just fine.”
____________________________________________________________________________________
I awoke the next morning and made my way into the living room. Carolyn was lying on the couch reading a book, and Sophia was spread out on the floor chewing apart one of her toys. As I entered the room the dog jumped to her feet and came over, her tail swishing to and fro.
“How did you sleep?” Carolyn asked as she put down her book.
“Like a log. I didn’t wake up once.” I looked at the view from the opened patio door and saw it was dark outside. “Wait a minute, how long have I been asleep?”
“Just under 24 hours. I told you it was needed. Your body agreed. Sophia and I have been having a grand old time, right girl?” The dog bounded over and Carolyn scratched her neck.
“And how have you managed to get the dog to like you?” I asked. “Sophia doesn’t like anybody. Yesterday the dog wanted to kill you, now she’s your best friend.”
Carolyn smiled. “You don’t last as a nature photographer without learning how to take care of yourself in the wild. I know how to handle some animals.”
I sat down in my chair and began pouring myself a scotch.
“Why don’t you lay off that. Just for tonight, okay?”
I frowned.
“The booze is part of the reason you’ve been a zombie. Let your body get back in its routine.”
I put the bottle down. “Fine, we’ll try it your way.”
“I’m sorry I don’t have anything ready for you to eat. You don’t have anything in the cupboards and I haven’t gone shopping. We’ll have to go and get something.”
“That’s all right, I’m not hungry.”
“No, you need to eat. You haven’t been eating, and you are dehydrated. Look.” She grabbed some skin on the back of my hand and pinched, letting the skin go.
“See how it doesn’t snap back? You don’t have enough water in your system. And when you are dehydrated you don’t want to eat. It’s a vicious cycle. We need to get you something simple, like soup.”
“Why do you give a fuck?” I asked.
“I’m hurt you even have to ask,” she responded. “I’ve invested too much time in you. I care about you. I’m falling in love with you.” She came over to my chair and sat down in my lap, wrapping her arms around my neck. “Is that so bad,” she asked, “that a girl can fall for a suave, good looking man?”
“Whatever you think I am, I’m not,” I replied.
“I don’t understand the hesitation and self-doubt, Reed. What is going on? This goes beyond dealing with a death in the family.”
“It’s nothing.” I replied.
“Oh no, I didn’t spend five hours on a plane to be told to my face to forget it. Spill it, mister.”
“How much have you read of the blogs?”
“I stopped reading after we met on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t want to know how you portrayed me and our time together. I’ve wanted to read it, but I’ve forced myself to stay away. I know points of view can be different, but I didn’t want to read something I didn’t agree with.”
I lifted her off my lap and stood up. I paced back and forth along the length of the couch, Carolyn and Sophia both intently watching me.
“Well, what?” Carolyn again asked.
“Before my father died, he told me that he put a clause in his will regarding how he’d be…uh…disposed of.”
“Disposed of?”
“Cremated ashes. Half reside here in a memorial at Forest Lawn. It’s the other half that’s the issue.”
“And the issue is…?”
“He wants me to take his ashes to Scotland, to a town his family came from and where some of them still live.” I stared breathing heavy. It was becoming more and more difficult to get the words out. “He wants me to transport his ashes to Scotland where they will rest in a Becker family memorial outside the city of Monifieth. I’m the one who has to do it.”
“That’s wonderful! He must have really felt a close bond with you to entrust you with this request.”
“It’s not! It’s no such thing! I am dreading having to go there. I can’t do it.”
“Sure you can. You’re just nervous,” she replied.
I shook my head. “No, that’s not it. I don’t think I can do it. I’m not strong enough. Whatever my father thought of me, no matter how tough he might have thought I was, I’m not. I don’t have the will or strength to do this. I can’t do it.”
She stood and hugged me. “Yes you do. Whatever self-doubt you have, I know you can do this. I’ve seen you – you have this natural charisma that people gravitate towards – and your father knew this too, I’m sure that’s why he asked this of you.”
I buried my head in her shoulder and shook my head.
“You can do it. I believe in you,” she said. “I’m certain it will help you come to terms with the events. But you have to want it to happen. And you have to let the people who want to help along the way be allowed to do so. Your father knew what he was doing, otherwise you wouldn’t be going.”
“I can’t do it. I can’t carry this out myself. I’ve avoided my family since the funeral because I’m afraid all they’ll say is that I’m running out on them, that I’m leaving when my mother needs looking after. I’m splitting apart the very thing my father meant to honor. Whatever kind of person he knew me to be, I’m not. I’m failing, Carolyn.”
She calmed me down. “Shhh, small steps. First we get you ready to face the world, then we conquer it. Let’s get you something to eat, and then some more rest. Monday we’ll reintroduce you to the outside world, maybe do a little grocery shopping so you have something to eat.” She looked at Sophia. “Maybe something special for your dog, she’s stood by you these past few weeks.” She turned back to me, smiling. “And then we’ll go from there. No assumptions, no expectations.”
___________________________________________________________________________________
The next day Carolyn prodded me into calling my mother to check in on her. I felt bad. I felt I had abandoned her. She didn’t disagree. She asked me to come over. I couldn’t refuse.
I took the dog with me, she never failed to cheer up my mother.
“Mind if I log on to your computer and do some web surfing while you are out?” Carolyn asked. It didn’t mind.
My mother was happier to see the dog than me. The dog wasn’t there this time just for cheering her up. On the way over I had decided it was time my mother got a roommate.
“If I’m going to Monifieth then somebody needs to look after the dog,” I said. “I wouldn’t ask, being that you just finished watching her for almost five months, but I read that the elderly and uh…widows…respond well to the company of a pet. And Sophia loves you. So…if you are up to it…”
My mother smiled, wrinkles appearing around the edges. It was the first smile I’d seen from her since before we brought my father home from the hospital. It was a fragile smile.
“Of course I will take Sophia.” She wiped away a tear as it slid down her cheek. “When are you going?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know. I still have to look at flights, and I don’t know who to talk to in Monifieth. I have no idea who to contact about putting Dad’s remains in the city memorial. There are so many details.”
She nodded. “Better talk to your uncle. He’ll have names and numbers, I’m sure.” We made small talk about little things, and then I excused myself. It was time to put the events into motion and do what had to be done. I’d run from it long enough.
“Reed darling, take as long as you need. Don’t feel the urge to rush in and out of Scotland. Take your time, your father would have wanted that. He would have wanted you to make your peace with him and learn about his family and their land.”
I hugged my mother. She saw me out to the car. “I hope you can find your smile along the way,” she said. “Don’t forget about it. It is a very powerful thing. This trip will be more a personal journey for you more than carrying out your father’s request. Don’t lose track of that.”
__________________________________________________________________________________
The dream was vivid. I stood before a plot, the urn containing my father’s ashes in my hands. A clergyman read from the bible as a few faces, none of whom I’d ever previously seen, looked on, some crying, others bowing their heads in prayer. When the clergyman had finished he pointed at the plot, a sign I thought to distribute the ashes. Two men grabbed me from behind and threw me into the plot along with the urn as the group watched. I reached out for help but nobody came forward. As the men began shoveling dirt onto me I shot out of bed, my forehead beaded with sweat.
“Holy shit!” I yelled. I was out of breath.
“What? What is it?” Carolyn asked. She sat up to look at me. “You’re forehead is on fire. Bad dream?”
“I was being buried alive with my father,” I said. “I don’t know what to do any longer, I can’t run from it, and I can’t embrace it. I’m screwed either way.”
Carolyn went to the bathroom and returned with a cool cloth. She tried comforting me as she applied the cloth. “Nobody can be a superhero when it comes to this. The mind sorts things out in its own fashion. All you can do is deal with the bumps along the way.”
“My mind is telling me I can’t do this, that I’m going to screw things up if I go to Scotland. It’s telling me this is a disaster in waiting.”
“No, your mind is trying to sort out what it can make sense of. Everything else it fills in the holes, until you can make sense of it yourself when the time comes.” She leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek. “Nobody said it was easy.” She took the cloth back to the bathroom.
I laid back down and she curled up beside me. “I still don’t understand why you are doing all of this for me, why you haven’t hopped back on a plane and gone home.”
She wrapped her arms around me tightly. “Because a father once told his son that we have to be strong for the people who can’t be strong themselves.”
I sat back up and looked at her, startled. She smiled at me weakly, the kind of smile a person gives you when they are trying to be empathetic.
“How did you know about what he said?” I asked, knowing she had read the blogs.
“I caved in. I’m sorry. I read through your blog while you were with your mother. I wanted to see what you had written, even it was something I didn’t agree with. Your father was right, and you should let those of us who want to help you help. Not everybody has the luxury of a shoulder to lean on. And you don’t have to go through this hell alone. It breaks my heart to see you like this. That’s why I’m here.”
She curled up beside me as I stretched back out on the bed. In time I began to feel sleepy, the effect of weeks of little or no sleep. My body had enough of trying to fight it. The last thing I remember hearing Carolyn say as I drifted off was “if only for a few nights, if only for a limited time, let me be your guardian angel.”
__________________________________________________________________________________
“I was thinking about what you said last night about having a shoulder to lean on,” I said as I sipped my coffee the next morning. The crowd at Daily Grind was busier than normal.
“Uh huh,” Carolyn replied in a husky voice.
“I’ve resigned myself to doing it, to going to Scotland. It would be more cowardly and disappointing if I didn’t honor my father’s wishes, even if I am uneasy about it.”
Carolyn nodded in agreement. “It’s good you think so.” She looked at me and saw that I was staring at the placemat and fidgeting a little. “What, what is it?” she asked.
“I can’t do it alone, Carolyn. I can’t go by myself.” I lifted my head and met her gaze. “Will you go with me?”
She stayed silent for a beat. “Oh, wow…this is unexpected,” she said. She started twirling the end of her hair. I’d seen her do it once before when she was nervous. “I don’t know, I have school and work and…” she trailed off.
“When does school start?” I asked.
“Last week of August.”
“And how about work?” She was a freelancer and took the jobs as they came up. There was no set schedule.
“I haven’t taken anything yet.” Oh, except for that thing at Air Canada Centre, but that’s not until the first week of September. But I don’t know, that’s a lot of potential work to give up.” She paused and I could see the wheels spinning. “How long would it be for?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know, as long as it takes. If it’s a question of money for a ticket, I’ll pay for it.”
“That’s sweet of you to offer, but that’s not what I’m thinking about, it’s paying rent and paying for my last year of school and all the other bills in the coming months. When I left I figured I’d be here a few days, maybe as many as ten.”
“And then you’re as good as gone,” I replied in a somber tone. “I’m not going back to Toronto. You’re going to have your life there while mine will consist of looking after my mother here. I don’t know what happens after now.” I sighed. “That’s the problem, I don’t have the faintest idea what happens after now.”
Carolyn reached across the table and took my hand in hers as she continued to think. I tried not to pressure her by staring her down so I turned my focus towards my half-finished coffee.
“Well hell,” she finally said. “I talk about being there for you and wanting to help you, and then I up and go at your first sign of progress? That’s not right. Of course I’ll go. I’ll be there for you, right behind you all the way and ready to catch you.”
I shook my head. “I’m no leader, and I haven’t the faintest idea what we’re going to do once we get there. Don’t walk behind me, walk beside me. I need somebody to be my partner in this.”
She smiled. “That’s so sweet.”
“I’m serious. There are arrangements to be made, and I don’t have the faintest idea how to carry them out or who to talk to. I’m going to need help.”
“I’m going to need to go back to Toronto first,” said Carolyn. “I need more than five day’s worth of clothing.”
“Okay. First Toronto, then Glasgow.”
4 Comments:
Hey Reed, whassup? I was just wondering if you've seen the Sensodyne commercial with that woman who has either a really annoying bad fake accent, or a really annoying speech impediment... Is that the same woman from the Aveeno commercial that you said was so insanely boring in person? Is that how she talks off camera, or does she put it on for the commercial? And what do you think of the Nourishing Oasis by VO5 commercial with big blonde woman? It's so bad, I actually went to their website and emailed them what I think of it.
Well, enough about me. Hope your infrequent posting is due to a kickass busy summer schedule and not something more sinister...
your boat sale trawlers tug blog is great thanks
Does anybody still come here but me and the spammers? Reed, are you alive? Anyone out there? Any of Reed's real-world friends still monitoring this? Hello???? Dude, at least let me know you didn't die a terrible terrible death! Email, drop me a comment, whatever...
The fact that mostly spammers are the ones who've responded to this one in a very strange way enriches this particular post.
Its kinda like your standing motionless in the middle of a carnival with the emotion slowly welling up in your throat but the clowns, cotton candy hogs, and kazoos just keep mindlessly playing around you.
So unnoticed.
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